me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur