‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
How animals would run if they were human
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.