I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.