Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
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[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Morning my dudes.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!