If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.