Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes