Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I cannot call her anything else now
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich