Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]