Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know