[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?