I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.