wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
You Might Also Like
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist