The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Art by Pastelkatto
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?