I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My dad.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.