i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.