My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Cat is stressing him out.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
School be like