More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”