I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Art by Pastelkatto
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Unexpected Judgment
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*