You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I just tested negative for patience.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My neck my back my allergy attack