Jurassic park gets weird
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My current situation
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.