Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair