Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.