My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran