I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
You Might Also Like
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.