Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
BaD BoY!!
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Autocarrot sucks!
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves