Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
79.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.