*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My blood type is coffee.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.