*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts