*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.