I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”