I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”