Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.