FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
You Might Also Like
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty