The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!