People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Always the camel, never the toe.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
🤣😈🤣
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening