Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
No way!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.