Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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Me, reading some of your tweets
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I have a type: disappointing
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger