“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
i hate you platonically
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them