Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.