Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
damn he’s good
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.