ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
You Might Also Like
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.