By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered