I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
So creative 😂
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.