Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”