ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
You Might Also Like
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog