Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.