Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.