Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.