I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?