client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.